The Berenstain Bears and the New Girl in Town

BROTHER BEAR IN LOVE?
Just yesterday he hated girls. Now he can’t take his eyes off Bonnie Brown. And she thinks he’s pretty cute too! But she’s a Grizzly and he’s a Bear. Will the old feud between the two clans keep the young lovers apart?

So is the plot of The Berenstain Bears and the New Girl in Town. Guess who the “new girl in town” is. Yes, it’s Bonnie Brown.

I’m 99% sure that grizzlies are bears. However, Wikipedia says that grizzlies live mostly in Canada, so maybe the “old feud between the two clans” is a metaphor for the old feud between the United States and Canada. Maybe.

Or maybe not. By clearly delineating Grizzlies and Bears, Stan and Jan have introduced the element of race relations into the Berenstain Bear mythos. A year after this book was published, Stan and Jan published The Berenstain Bears’ New Neighbors, which I have not read, but the cover features the Bear family watching a family of Giant Pandas move in next door, and I strongly suspect that the Giant Pandas are meant to be Asian. Possibly Chinese. I guess that means that Bears are white and Grizzlies are black. And Polar Bears, Eskimos.

I don’t recall seeing Bonnie Brown in the First Time books, so I think this titular new girl in town is the first major character to be introduced in the Big Chapter books. If she’s a Grizzly, and Grizzlies represent black people, does that mean Brother can never go back?

The story sting on the front page goes like this:

“I guess we’re going to kiss,” said Brother.
They kissed.
Brother blushed.
They kissed again.
Brother blushed again.
They kissed again and again and again…

The illustration is actually three small illustrations showing Brother and Bonnie kissing. Each time, Brother is blushing and getting hot under the collar, and each time Bonnie looks more and more annoyed. She even crosses her arms while kissing him the third time.

The summary on the copyright page says, “Brother Bear’s budding romance with Squire Grizzly’s niece helps bring about an end to the fierce feud between the Grizzly and Bear clans. The same feud that the back cover blurb mentioned? The summary just gave away the ending.

The story begins by hitting us over the head with the fact that it’s spring. There are flowers and birds and boys and girls walking hand in hand. Yes, somehow spring makes children fall in love with each other. Brother, being a boy his age, finds all the love disgusting, as does Cousin Freddy. Sister, however, is so happy she starts singing:

“In the spring
a young bear’s fancy
lightly turns to thoughts of love.”

Some Berenstain Bear fans might recognize those lyrics. They were used in the song that played at the beginning of the old Valentine’s Day Berenstain Bears TV special, The Berenstain Bears and Cupid’s Surprise. Brother and Freddy, though, don’t appreciate the shoutout. “Beeswax,” and “double beeswax,” they say.

Sister teases that the boys are afraid of girls. Noticeably, Freddy does not argue, but Brother rejects the idea of being afraid, and says that some of his best friends are girls. That’s when a girl named Babs Bruno walks up, and in an insufferably sweet way, asks Brother to help her with her homework. Brother nervously agrees to call her in the evening.

Babs isn’t the only girl cub interested in a boy. Sister, Brother, and Freddy notice Queenie McBear walking arm in arm with Too-Tall Grizzly. They have an on-again off-again relationship, and right now it’s really on.

“Suddenly, a strange and disturbing thing happened,” the narration tells. Too-Tall’s father, Two-Ton, drives up next to the cubs in his pickup truck, snatches Too-Tall up, shouts something at Queenie, and drives away. When Brother, Sister, and Freddy ask Queenie what happened, she explains that Two-Ton said something unusual: “It wasn’t right for a member of the Grizzly clan to be seen with a member of the Bear clan.” Racism!

But the cubs forget all about this shocking display of prejudice, because at the beginning of the very next chapter, Sister goes right back to teasing Brother about his popularity with the ladies. The Bear family is lounging in the living room. “Mama was sewing and Papa was resting in his easy chair,” the narration says, even though the illustration clearly shows Mama knitting. Papa gives the boy a little ribbing before the phone rings. It’s Babs.

Although he’s embarrassed, Brother does his best to actually discuss the homework.

Brother grabbed his homework and returned to the phone. “Number one… let’s see… the answer is forty-two. Yeah, you use length times width—that’s the formula for the area of a rectangle. Do I know the formula for WHAT? For a HEART?”

Romance with the power of math.

Brother insists that Babs is even better at formulas than he is, and hangs up. Papa can’t help kidding Brother, but his jovial attitude quickly turns sour when he takes a sip from his newly poured glass of milk. He spits it out in disgust. “Onions!” he yells. His milk tastes like onions.

How does milk become onion milk? Papa has already heard the tale at Zeb’s hardware. There is a clover meadow between Farmer Ben’s farm and the estate of Squire Grizzly. I don’t know how common it is to find farms right next to palatial mansions, but there you have it. Usually, Farmer Ben grazes his cows there because his own land has onion grass on it, but Squire Grizzly has recently maintained that the clover meadow is Grizzly territory, and has erected a fence around it, cutting it off from Farmer Ben’s cows. “He says no member of the Bear clan has any right to it,” Papa explains.

Papa and Mama explain to the cubs that all of this animosity is a result of an ancient feud between the Bear family and the Grizzly family. Now this is confusing. The Bear family is the Bears, right? Mama Papa Sister Brother. Are they related to Farmer Ben? Does the whole of Bear Country belong to only two families? Is everyone the product of inbreeding, like royalty? Or does everyone in Bear Country pledge allegiance to one family or the other? Oy.

The Bear and Grizzly families, Mama and Papa explain, were some of the first settlers of Bear Country, and they did not like each other in the least. Brother and Sister are the great-great-great-grandcubs of Ebenezer Bear himself. Ebenezer always got into spats with old Abner Grizzly, fighting over pasture, boundaries, water, and even what to name the place. Clearly, the Bears won that fight. Pretty soon, even a war was fought, with Ulysses S. Bear leading the Bears and Stonewall Grizzly leading the Grizzlies.

I don’t know what to think of the Bear Country equivalent of the Civil War being a big family feud. It just makes it more confusing. Was I right? Everyone in Bear Country belongs to the same two families? Can you tell the difference between a Bear and a Grizzly just by looking at them? I don’t get it. I think I’m going to stick to treating them as two distinct races, just to make it easier.

Anyway, the feud was fierce, but everyone got over it eventually. In fact, no one knows how it started, proving just how silly the whole thing was. Mama and Papa trust that things won’t get out of hand. In fact, Papa is currently employed by Squire Grizzly to refinish some antique wooden furniture. Cue a phone call from Squire Grizzly calling the whole thing off. He shouts a few things through the phone at Papa, and Papa retorts, “Well that goes double for you and all the members of the Grizzly clan! … you… you… you MILK POISONER!”

Yeah, that’ll teach him, Papa.

Brother and Sister, for some reason, wait only until now to tell their parents about the Too-Tall incident. The feud has spread. Papa proclaims they will boycott all Grizzly businesses, including taking all of their money out of the Great Grizzly National Bank. He gets in the car and drives off to rally other Bears to the cause. Unfortunately, the tank is almost empty, and all of the gas stations in the area are owned by Squire Grizzly. In a time before the ubiquity of cell phones, Papa has to walk six miles to a phone to call Farmer Ben to bring him some gas.

The next day, Brother and Sister are eager to get to school, away from what they perceive as a silly grown-up problem. To their shock, though, the feud has trickled down. Cubs are fighting on the playground before school, even Too-Tall and Queenie. I guess there are too many parents like Papa in Bear Country.

In the illustration for this scene, I’ve noticed that all of the female cubs wear some form of head decoration. Ribbon, bow, headband, whatever. Thank goodness for head gear to provide some secondary sexual characteristics among bears.

And speaking of secondary sexual characteristics, all the fighting on the playground stops when one of Squire Grizzly’s limousines pulls up and deposits a pretty young female cub. “That’s Squire Grizzly’s niece, Bonnie Brown!” a well informed cub proclaims. She’s cute! She lives in a mansion! She’s a model! She’s Bonnie Brown, and she’s doing something funny to Brother.

As Brother Bear watched her, a funny feeling started in his scalp. It ran along his spine, then all the way down to the tips of his toes. Sister was about to ask him what he thought of the new girl in town. But one look at his love-struck face gave her the answer.

Brother’s infatuation with the new girl continues all the way through the homework review. When Teacher Bob asks him if he knows what shape the length times width formula finds the area for, Brother answers, “A heart,” making the rest of the class roar with laughter. Bonnie even gives Brother a friendly smile. Only in books does the girl seem to like best the boy who makes a fool out of himself. I wish being a buffoon scored me women.

At recess, during a game of fistball, Brother notices Babs Bruno watching from the sidelines, and it makes him uneasy. “Stop worrying,” says Cousin Freddy. “You know she has a crush on you. She probably just wants to moon at you while you get a hit.”

Is there a difference between mooning you and mooning at you? I hope there is.

But whichever the case may be, Freddy is wrong. Babs and a couple of her friends have shown up only to tease Brother. They begin shouting things like “Brother’s in love!” and “Brother’s got a girlfriend!”

I don’t understand this. At the beginning of the book, we saw cubs all over the place holding hands and getting touchy-feely with the opposite sexes, even Too-Tall. Now Brother has shown honest interest in a girl and they’re giving him shit for it. Are Stan and Jan just invoking typical child cruelty? Or were those earlier displays of affection totally insincere, and are they teasing Brother because they know he is?

Brother probably doesn’t care either way, because he escapes through a hole in the fence and runs to a pile of rocks in the woods. It’s his thinking place, just like in Winnie the Pooh. He doesn’t appear to do much thinking, though. Instead he sits there and mopes.

But there’s a cub coming to his rescue, and it’s Bonnie Brown. She saw the whole thing, she says, and can’t help but feel responsible. “But it’s not your fault you’re so… cute,” Brother sheepily tells her, to her delight. Bonnie suggests that Brother act nonchalant when the other cubs tease him; that he should “top them.” When he asks how, she says he can beat the teasing about having a girlfriend by actually having a girlfriend, and nominates herself as the sole candidate.

I’m having a bit of a hard time believing that Brother’s act-all-mopey-and-pathetic shtick can really win a girl’s affection. Oh well, this is only the Berenstain Bears.

Bonnie offers to walk back to the playground with Brother holding hands, and even tells him she thinks he’s cute too. Then, she lands a peck on his cheek, and he blushes the hell out of the red color spectrum. This leads to one of the silliest-looking illustrations ever seen in a Berenstain Bears book. Trust me on that one.

I want to mention that Bonnie’s secondary sexual headgear is a bandana. I guess it could have been meant to be a ribbon, but it looks a like Rambo-style bandana. She looks like she should be lugging a huge machine gun around.

The teasing doesn’t stop for Brother, but somehow walking around holding hands with an incredibly cute girl numbs the effect. He even walks Bonnie home, and I have to say that the illustration for the scene is adorable. As they walk, Bonnie, who has a little bit of acting experience, asks Brother about the spring school play coming up. He gives her a rundown of the plays they usually perform, and they all have Berenstain Bearified names: Robin Hood and his Merry Bears, Grizzlystiltskin and the straw of Gold, King Arthur and the Bears of the Round Table, Indiana Bear and the Temple of Doom. I made that last one up.

Bonnie and her parents live with the Squire in his mansion, which is so big Brother actually seems a little afraid to go in. A servant greets Bonnie at the door, and while he has misgivings about Brother entering, he lets them go in. Even the entrance hall impresses Brother, and Squire Grizzly himself quickly appears at the top of the stairs, dressed like he’s ready to ride a horse. He seems jolly enough, and doesn’t even recognize brother as a Bear, but when Bonnie introduces him, the Squire goes nuts. “Called me a milk poisoner, his father did!”

Wow, I guess Papa really knew how to insult the guy after all.

Bonnie begs her uncle to calm down, but the Squire chases Brother right out the front door, and even as Bonnie cries out to Brother not to go, he’s scared as hell. As he runs the path to the gate, though, Bonnie appears on a balcony of the mansion, pleading one more time for Brother not to leave.

I’m getting a real Romeo and Juliet vibe from this book so far. Two star-crossed lovers whose own families are at each other’s throats, complete with balconies even.

Bonnie plucks a flower from a vine growing on the balcony and tosses it to Brother, who promptly takes it home and stares at it longingly.

But Brother is angry with Squire Grizzly, so angry he admits everything to Sister. And Sister, with remarkable clarity for someone her age, seems to get that Brother and Bonnie only wanted to be friends until Squire Grizzly forbade Brother from seeing her, and that makes him want to “go steady.”

Sister explains this to Mama, who is more surprised at Brother’s turnaround from “love is disgusting” to “Oh Bonnie” than anything else. Papa takes the news about Brother’s newfound romance less well. He takes the opportunity to insult the Squire a few, but Mama interjects that Brother’s crush on Bonnie is a good thing, as it will help him get over his shyness toward girls.

Not that I approve of Papa’s prejudices, but I think Mama should have been smart enough to know that argument wasn’t going to mean squat. Imagine it’s 1961 in Atlanta, and there’s a boy who’s in love with a girl of a different race, and his racist father is very upset. Do you think if the boy’s mother said, “Wait, don’t get mad, this will help him get over his shyness toward girls,” the father would change his mind? I’m of the NO opinion on that one.

Brother walks into the room all sweet and innocent, but no one has a chance to confront him about Bonnie, because the sounds of a bulldozer being revved up come through the window. Angry shouting and police sirens enter the mix as well. The Bear family runs outside to find that Farmer Ben just bulldozed down the Squire’s fence around the clover meadow. Talk about fighting the power. Squire Grizzly climbs up onto the bulldozer and starts whipping Ben with his riding crop (he carries that thing everywhere). Mrs. Ben, brandishing a hoe, tries to poke the Squire off. The Squire’s wife, “all dressed up for afternoon tea, was shaking her parasol at Mrs. Ben.” I can just imagine Squire Grizzly thinking, “Dear, you are 100 percent useless.”

Chief Bruno and Officer Marguerite arrive and manage to break up the fight, and the Bens and Grizzlies eventually simmer down and go back to their homes. The book doesn’t say, but they probably went to small claims court.

The feud is in full swing. All around Bear Country, people who used to be nice and friendly with each other are now getting into shouting matches. Biff Bruin’s pharmacy does not allow Grizzly clan members. Ralph Ripoff is going door to door selling buttons with Bear and Grizzly pride slogans (what does that make him?).

Despite all of this, the cubs in Bear Country School have gotten over all of their differences. Now that I think about it, all of the bickering among the cubs stopped when they started teasing Brother about his crush on Bonnie. Maybe if Brother and Bonnie go into town and start being lovey-dovey, the feud will end. Sure, it won’t work for Papa Bear and Squire Grizzly, but they’ll still get about 99 percent of the way there.

Wait, wasn’t there something about a spring play coming up? Oh yeah, there was, and now the cubs in Teacher Bob’s drama club are brainstorming. First of all, what play should they put on? Too-Tall suggests Robin Hood and his Merry Bears, with his sights set on playing Robin Hood himself. Too-Tall as Robin Hood, let that one sink in a while. Or Too-Tall in the drama club, for that matter.

Teacher Bob has his own agenda, though. He points out the obvious fact that a vicious feud is ripping its way through Bear Country, and then brandishes a large book called The Plays of William Shakesbeare. Yes, Shakesbeare. There is even a picture of him on the wall, and I have to admit, if William Shakespeare was a bear, he’d probably look like the picture.

The cubs think Shakesbeare is boring, although they know nothing about his plays. Teacher Bob names the play Romeo and Juliet, and he tells them, no, this one’s not boring at all. It’s about two young lovers.

“That sounds like two cubs we know!” Babs says. Brother blushes. Too-Tall starts smacking the back of his hand going, “I love you! I love you!” which I guess he intends to be insulting towards Brother, but I think he’s just making a fool out of himself.

Brother gets mad at Too-Tall, and threatens to knock him on his “big tin can.” Well, no one ever said Bear Country was known for its great euphemisms. Teacher Bob, though, calms everyone down, and gets back to how exciting Romeo and Juliet is. There are swordfights, poison, and death in the play, all because of a feud between two families. Maybe, he suggests, putting on a play where everyone dies will depress everyone out of the feud. It sounds like a good plan to me.

So the cubs decide to put on Romeo and Juliet. Tryouts for Juliet are first, and guess what? Bonnie gets the part! That means that, despite being really embarrassed by the idea of playing Romeo to Bonnie’s Juliet, Brother has got to try out for the part, because the idea of anyone else playing Romeo to Bonnie’s Juliet is worse. By the way, that’s not me being snarky, that’s exactly what it says in the narration.

Brother’s reading is pretty bad, but Teacher Bob gives him the part because he knows that’s what everyone wants. Again, that’s what the narration says.

Cousin Freddy ends up being in charge of set design and stage manager. He gets so into it, he even builds Juliet’s balcony himself. Unfortunately he sucks at his job. When they first rehearse the balcony scene, the balcony breaks as soon as Bonnie sets foot on it. The line, “Romeo, Romeo,” turns into a cry for help as she goes tumbling down to the stage floor. But as luck would have it, she lands right in Brother’s arms. That’s the way Shakespeare should have written it, I think. Juliet’s balcony should have collapsed under her, depositing her into Romeo’s arms, and splinters for everyone.

Cousin Freddy is certain he’ll get it right next time, but there’s still one tiny problem. There is a scene in which Romeo and Juliet kiss, and every time Brother kisses Bonnie, he blushes. It makes a pivotal scene come off as farce, and Teacher Bob is worried. If Romeo and Juliet makes everyone laugh, the parents watching the play won’t learn their lesson.

Bonnie assures Brother she has a plan to solve this, and they agree to meet at his favorite pile of rocks. What’s Bonnie’s plan? Simple, they just keep kissing until he gets used to it. Brother, unfortunately, is nervous. Didn’t Mama say something about him getting over his shyness? It looks like she was way off on that one. Bonnie, for her part, will have none of it.

“We’re not practicing kissing, really. We’re rehearsing for a very important play. Opening night is only two days away. If you don’t learn to stop blushing when we kiss, the whole play will be a big joke. And if that happens, the stupid grown-up feud will go on and on and get worse and worse. And we won’t be able to be friends anymore. It will be hard for any Bears and Grizzlys to be friends anymore! What do you think of that, Brother Bear?”

If you remember the story sting, you’ll know that they continue to kiss and Brother continues to blush. As much as they’re probably enjoying it, they aren’t achieving their intended goal. Bonnie is full of plans today, though, and she’s got one more that could work.

Bonnie noticed earlier that when the cubs teased Brother about his crush, he blushed. Yet, he quickly stopped blushing when he got angry with Too-Tall. “The big creep got me so mad that I forgot all about being embarrassed,” Brother says.

Here is something else I don’t get. Why does Brother get all the teasing? Bonnie obviously likes him as much as he likes her. How come nobody goes, “Bonnie’s got a boyfriend! Bonnie’s got a boyfriend!”? What a double standard.

Whatever. Clearly, when Brother wants to get into a fistfight with Too-Tall, he forgets everything else. And that, Bonnie says, they can use. She suggests that when they kiss, Brother should imagine he’s giving Too-Tall a swift punch to the face. They give it a try, and it works! The illustration is actually a bit disturbing. Bonnie gives Brother a kiss and looks at him with satisfaction as he, with an angry look on his face, has a thought-bubble over his head depicting him knocking Too-Tall’s lights out.

And before you know it, it’s the night of the play. Feelings are so tense that the police have shown up to keep order. That turns out to be a good thing, because as soon as Farmer Ben and Squire Grizzly see each other, they start snarling. Somehow, things calm down enough that the play can go on.

The curtain rises and… there’s Freddy touching up the balcony. Oh Freddy.

Well, after Freddy embarrasses himself and his parents, the play begins.

The cubs did a wonderful job. The audience seemed to be under a spell. They barely moved in their seats. There were cries of shock and horror as the Capulets and Montagues fought with one another for no good reason. There were shrieks and gasps when the brave Mercutio was killed in a sword fight. And there were sighs of happiness when Romeo and Juliet met secretly.

The kissing scene goes well, even. Not only did Teacher Bob worry that Brother would blush, he also worried that Papa and Squire Grizzly would leap onstage and pull their cubs apart. Honestly, I could see that happening in real life with parents who hated each other, so I think Teacher Bob’s fears are well founded. Fortunately, all goes according to plan.

Hey, where are Bonnie’s parents, anyway? Aren’t they at the play, didn’t she say she was going to introduce Brother to them? What do they think of the cubs’ friendship?

The play is a success. Everyone in the audience gets over themselves and apologize to each other. The feud is forgotten about, and the audience gives a great ovation. There are ten curtain calls, TEN!

As celebration, a little party is thrown at Queenie McBear’s house. At the party, Bonnie and Brother, although now free to hang out together as much as they want, find that without the taboo they really don’t have much desire to be boyfriend and girlfriend. They agree that being regular old friends will do nicely. Personally, I think Brother is insane for passing it up, but that’s just me.

Queenie wants to play Post Office, except it’s some alternate version of Post Office where a boy and girl go into the post office one at a time. I’m not sure if Stan and Jan didn’t know the actual rules to the game, or if they intended Queenie to be a little rascal. Anyway, when Bonnie’s turn comes around, she invites Brother into the post office with her (it’s the laundry room). Since they’ve decided to be just friends, yet don’t want to disappoint the other party members, they fake it. Bonnie makes kissing noises while Brother “moaned as if he was having a great time.” They emerge having not swapped any spit and the other cubs are satisfied.

Brother, you piss me off. You had the greatest opportunity of your young life and you blew it just because perfectly good fruit didn’t taste as sweet as forbidden fruit.

In all seriousness, I give New Girl in Town two thumbs up. It was funny. Sure, the Bear/Grizzly thing can confuse you if you think about it too much, but it’s a simple thing to just not think about it all. They’re bears, after all, they don’t work the same way we do.

There is no particularly relevant moral lesson to be taught in this book, as there was in Drug Free Zone, except that it’s usually silly for families to feud needlessly. Maybe some young kids can appreciate the way Brother gets teased for his crush. Lots of kids get crushes but are too afraid of ridicule to even try being friends with the object of the crush, and that’s kind of tragic.

My one criticism is that the idea that a production of Romeo and Juliet can pierce through prejudice is a little too silly. I wish that the book would have done something a little more realistic in terms of handling the feud, especially with Papa. Papa was so much the bad guy in this book. Stan and Jan often like to make him the unreasonable one, but when you’re talking prejudice and feuding, it doesn’t come off as endearing as it has before. Maybe that’s the point, maybe his feelings are supposed to be silly and unfounded. I guess that works for kids. Beneath all of that, it’s an amusing story. Brother and Bonnie’s friendship is cute and innocent, and something about Brother’s arc in this book rings true.

The Berenstain Bears and the Drug Free Zone

DRUGS? IN BEAR COUNTRY?
Yes! And Brother and Sister Bear are sure that they can solve the mystery of who is behind Bear Country's drug problem. But this is a big-time crime—and fighting it could be risky... even dangerous!

I imagine that Stan and Jan Berenstain, back in the early Nineties, were just itching to write a Berenstain Bear book about drugs. They just had to do it. Something in their bodies was compelling them. And so they did. They knew the parents of America wouldn't like it if their five-year-old son or daughter, trying to learn how to read, picked up a Berenstain Bear book at the school library and was thus introduced to a world of "happy pills" and "kingpins," but the Berenstains couldn't help but start punching the story out on a typewriter. Sure, they thought they could stop typing whenever they wanted, but drug stories, they can get to you, man. They make you do things you don't really want to do.

But there was a solution: The Berenstains and Random House could create a new series of Berenstain Bear books aimed at older kids, who had outgrown the regular picture book series. And that, I like to think, is how The Big Chapter Books series was created. Stan and Jan had to get their drug book fix, and they got it.

The Berenstain Bears and the Drug Free Zone is the first book in the Big Chapter Books series, and was published in 1993. That actually puts it a little bit on the tail end the big "Just Say No" campaign conceived by Nancy Reagan in the Eighties. Still, drug abuse was a big concern then. I was a kid in elementary school at the time, and I recall D.A.R.E. being ubiquitous. Nevertheless, after picking this book up for the first time in years, and noticing the copyright date, I wondered if the Berenstains hadn't at least conceived of the story a number of years before 1993.

So let's get into it. In addition to the back cover blurb that I quoted at the top of this entry, the very first page has a "story sting," a few lines of narration and an illustration teased in from somewhere else in the story. The text reads:

Suddenly Freddy's dog froze. The cubs did the same. They listened. In a few seconds, they heard a faint crunching sound coming toward them. They quickly hid in the bushes and watched someone come out of the woods....

Who was it?
Could it be the drug Kingpin?
If it was, what would he do if he saw them?

The illustration shows a dog and three young bears hiding behind some bushes. That's Freddy, Sister, Brother, and Freddy's dog.

The copyright page, I noticed, has a "summary" of the story printed right there between the names of the authors and the ISBN numbers. It says, "Brother and Sister Bear try to solve the mystery of how illegal drugs are getting into their school." Not much of a summary, but accurate enough.

The book begins in a way that almost seems it was written for readers unfamiliar with the Berenstain Bears. It introduces Bear country, points out a few landmarks, and suggests that it is a place with "almost no problems." What makes it not quite perfect? Well, Ralph Ripoff, a guy you won't find in the First Time Books series, tries to cheat people with a "crooked card game," and Beartown has pretty awful traffic, and the Forbidden Bog outside of town is home to three bears named the Bogg Brothers who are known to poach endangered animals (yeesh).

By the by, the next line right after the one about the Bogg Brothers says, "But problems like those are not too serious." I'm pretty sure shooting endangered animals is pretty serious. What's more alarming is the illustration. The illustrations in these Big Chapter Books are not really the kind you'd find in the First Time Books. They are simple pen-and-ink with toner but no color, and often feature speech bubbles, so you can get a little extra dialogue out of them. This particular illustration features Bear Country police chief Bruno admonishing the Bogg Brothers for "shootin' and pollutin'," and he warns that if he hears any more about their criminal deeds, "It'll go hard with you." Now, you have to wonder, why the hell doesn't Chief Bruno ARREST them if they have been accused of shooting and polluting? Obviously there's somebody willing to testify, so why even give the rednecks a second chance?

Anyway, you can see where the intro is going. Sure, things seem fine in Bear Country, but of course they aren't. A town meeting has been called to order at Bear Country School, and as they head on their way to attend, the Bear Family speculates on what the meeting could be about. It must be something fairly benign, they decide, because except for Too-Tall Grizzly's gang, there are no real problems at Bear Country School. As you'll remember, in the early Nineties bullying had absolutely no negative repercussions.

But this is a serious meeting about a serious problem. Not only is principal Honeycomb in the auditorium, but so is Chief Bruno and even Mayor Honeypot. Chief Bruno wastes time for no one. He pulls out a bottle full of pills that the janitor of the school found in an unused locker. He asks the audience what they think the pills may be. One naive young cub suggests candy, but when one bear suggests medicine, Chief Bruno replies, "'It's some kind of BAD MEDICINE. What I'm holding here, friends, are drugs! Illegal drugs!'"

Shock and horror abound through the audience, which is the perfect time for the mayor to show up and explain just what he is going to do about it. Stan and Jan, for some reason, decide to make strongly apparent that Mayor Honeypot has a bit of a speech impediment: he gets the beginnings of his words mixed up. For instance, when he announces his plan to set up drug free zones, he calls them "drug zee frones." Also notable is that right after he announces the zones, he actually asks out loud to himself what that means, and then looks down at his notes for an answer. Social commentary, Stan and Jan?

What "drug free zone" means, according to Mayor Honeypot's notes, is that any drug crime committed within the zone will be punished twice as harshly as usual. Yes, that is all. He ends his speech by saying, "'I trust all of you will support this moo neasure—I mean, new measure—and also remember who thought of it at election time.'" The narration in the next paragraph is even better: "The whole audience applauded loudly. Then one bear after another rose to voice his support for the new Drug Free Zone. Mayor Honeypot was very pleased with himself." The illustration shows the audience applauding as Mayor Honeypot holds his fists clasped together above his head like he just won a poker tournament. You can see the Bear family in the audience. Papa is pleased, but Mama, Sister, and Brother don't look convinced that anything significant has been accomplished. Social commentary, Stan and Jan?

Probably, because rarely are the titular Drug Free Zones brought up after the first chapter, and Brother even witnesses a drug exchange take place next to one of the signs. I don't think it's much of a stretch to suggest that Stan and Jan were trying to say that the preventative measures against drug dealing in communities weren't all that effectual. There will be more of that later in the book, but for now I've got a strong urge to look at the cover again.


You can see Too-Tall and a mysterious man in a trench coat exchanging a packet of pills right next to a Drug Free Zone sign. Not only that, they are doing it right behind the back of a police officer. Way to go, Mayor Honeypot!

Come to think of it, look at Brother.


He looks high to me. Oh, Brother, I thought you were better than that.

As the Bear family returns home, With Gramps and Gran joining them in their walk, Papa Bear makes clear his disappointment. The fact that drugs even exist within Bear Country is "shameful" and "disgraceful" in his point of view. Oh, but look! A Drug Free Zone sign, and it lifts Papa's spirits! "'That'll make those rotten drug pushers think twice!'" he excliams.

Oh, Papa Bear, you naive son of a bitch.

As much as Mama Bear would love to agree with her husband, if only to protect his fragile innocence, she points out the obvious: the drug dealers will just deal outside of the zone (if they even give the zone any credence). Papa's retort is "We've got to do something, don't we?" as if doing something ineffectual is worthwhile simply because it's something.

They pass the house of a Miz McGrizz who has been trying to rent out a room for the past month. Right on cue, a bear in a trench coat and a big scar on his cheek pops out of nowhere, plucks the FOR RENT sign from the lawn, rings the doorbell, and a horrified Miz McGrizz evidently rents him the room, because the very next morning Brother and Sister see him walk out of her house as they're on their way to school. I suppose he could have murdered Miz McGrizz with the FOR RENT sign and then stayed in her house, but that would be too obvious.

Well, if it looks like a drug dealer, and it looks like a drug dealer, then it must be a drug dealer. Sister notes the "Ugly Roomer" as a "prime-time suspect," because he looks like a crook on a TV show. "Oh, brother," Brother says in response. Sister complains about his use of the phrase "Oh, brother," and asks why he never says, "Oh, sister."

Oh, sister. I think this would have been the perfect time for Brother to throw out a curse word or two, but I guess Stan and Jan were saving that for the Big Big Chapter Books series.

Brother and Sister arrive at the house of their Cousin Freddy, to walk with him to school. "As usual, Freddy's floppy-eared dog, Snuff, ran up to give them a wet-tongued hello." Hold the phone, there. Is Freddy's dog named Snuff? Let me read that again. Yes, Freddy's dog is named Snuff. In a story about drugs, Cousin Freddy's dog is named Snuff. Does that make anyone else laugh?

Freddy's dog was probably named in a previous book in one of the other Berenstain Bear continuities, but it's still pretty damned funny.

Freddy also has an instant camera (Polaroid camera) with him because it's photography club day or something at school. My elementary school never had anything like that. We would have Bike Day one day a year, and that was it.

The three cubs discuss the Ugly Roomer at Miz McGrizz's, but even as Brother doesn't want to accuse him of anything without evidence, he is the first to suggest that Too-Tall and his gang are somehow involved. Sister and Freddy are excited to investigate; they can't wait to start up the old Bear Detectives club, but Brother warns that they shouldn't get too excited, because, after all, "This could be DANGEROUS."

Of course, that's dangerous in the Berenstain-Bears-books-for-children sense of the word.

On the way to school, the cubs pass by Chief Bruno giving Ralph Ripoff and his card table the heave-ho away from the entrance of the pharmacy. Really, Ralph? The entrance of the pharmacy? That's the best place to find suckers? Have you tried the bank, or the used car dealership? How about the maternity ward? They say a sucker is born every minute.

"It's getting so a fella can't make an honest dishonest living anymore!" Ralph protests as he packs up his table, like a character out of a black and white movie from the Forties. But then, he notices the cubs, and his mood lightens. He loves cubs. He even invites them to his houseboat where they will have the opportunity to make some extra bread (sister obviously thinks he means actual bread). He doesn't elaborate on what exactly the cubs can do to make that extra bread, he just says, "I'll put you onto something, shall we say... interesting?"

Doesn't he just sound like a drug dealer? No? You say he sounds like a red herring?

The cubs continue walking, and Freddy is the first to fall victim to the cliche. He suggests Ralph could be a drug dealer, and Sister agrees. "He loves to trick everyone," she says, and that comes in mighty handy when selling drugs. But Brother defends Ralph, and points out that while Ralph is always cheating grown-ups, "He'd never do anything to hurt cubs. I think he sort of likes us." Brother may be right, but that's a story for another book.

This is when Freddy says the most out-of-left-field thing he's ever said. "He's got more angles than a dodecahedron." Well, gee, Freddy, if you put it that way, I guess Ralph should be a prime-time suspect.

But they have no time to tease Freddy for his despicable nerdiness, because Skuzz, one of Too-Tall's gang, whizzes past them on a bicycle and crashes right into Officer Marguerite's patrol car. As the cubs, Officer Marguerite, and the school nurse investigate, they notice that the bike Skuzz has been riding is Queenie McBear's bike. He stole her bike, and not only that, he's so high he doesn't even know where he is. "Wanna see me do a super triple wheelie?" he asks.

As an ambulance takes Skuzz away, Brother finds a clear plastic bag full of pills where Skuzz wrecked the bike. He picks it up and intends to give it to Officer Marguerite, but her car is already pulling away. So what does he do? He just puts the bag in his pocket and thinks, "These might come in handy."


During recess that day, the cubs see Too-Tall and his gang hanging out and being gang members by the gate to the football field. The narration takes a couple of paragraphs to explain the nature of the Too-Tall gang.

They put graffiti on the school walls. They rang doorbells and ran. Sometimes they knocked over garbage cans at night. Most of the gang would have been happy to just stick with those kinds of pranks. But Too-Tall wouldn't let them stop at that.

Sometimes, when no grownups were watching, the gang would force a cub to hand over his or her lunch money. Any cub that refused could count on getting knocked down at least. Bullying cubs and stealing money was Too-Tall's idea of a good time.

I remember being a kid and reading books and seeing TV shows where school bullies took lunch money. I don't recall ever having someone threaten to take my lunch money. I wondered if it was because the school I went to had a remarkably high percentage of well-behaved kids. Then I remember no, it didn't, it's just that stealing lunch money wasn't the kind of misbehavior kids there took part in.

And knock over garbage cans at night? What the hell kind of a prank is that? What's so great about doing something that raccoons do?

Anyway, Brother surmises that if Skuzz is on drugs, so are the rest of the gang. That's when Too-Tall slips past the gate and heads for the football field, leaving his gang to be high all by themselves. Brother knows something's up. He asks Freddy and Sister to distract Too-Tall's gang, which, if memory serves, with Skuzz gone would leave only two cubs, Smirk and Vinnie, while he takes Freddy's Polaroid to the football field after Too-Tall. While Freddy and Sister commence their part of the plan, Brother slips by the gate to the football field. Who does he see under the bleachers? Too-Tall and the Ugly Roomer!

Brother snaps a photo, sneaks away, and waits a minute for the picture to develop. Pretty soon, there it is, photographic evidence of a drug deal between Too-Tall and the Ugly Roomer.

Brother can't wait to bust Too-Tall's ass. He returns to the gate, where Too-Tall has already rejoined his gang, and tells the big guy up front that he's interested in trying "happy pills." (Doesn't he already have some)? Too-Tall claims to have none, and even turns his pockets inside out as proof. Some money falls out, but no drugs. Brother is stunned.

Now wait a second here. Brother saw a drug deal between Too-Tall and the Ugly Roomer. He saw a selling of drugs. Yet Too-Tall has on his person money but no drugs. Gee, I wonder what that could mean?

As the three cubs examine the photo after school, they can make out money in the Ugly Roomer's hand. "The money Too-Tall just gave him for drugs!" proclaims Freddy. God damn it, Fred.

The cubs decide to go to the hospital to visit Skuzz, and see if they can get anything out of him. Skuzz won't talk, though. He won't even admit to having taken any drugs, even when Brother shows him the photo. The cubs could try water-boarding him, of course, but they figure it's easier to just ask Skuzz's doctor, Dr. Gert Grizzly, if he took the happy pills. Dr. Grizzly is remarkably up front with the cubs, and tells them that Skuzz "had taken plenty of drugs when he crashed into that car."

That's apparently all they needed, because Brother and Freddy are ready to go to the police with their evidence. But Sister has some questions. She basically asks Dr. Grizzly what drugs actually are and why they are so bad in the first place, and even though Brother and Freddy admonish her for asking dumb questions, the narration reveals they wonder the same thing.

So the whole time, the cubs were trying to stop the selling of illegal drugs without understanding what makes them so bad. No one had the common decency to tell the cubs why illegal drugs are illegal.

I should mention that earlier in the book, Sister was repeating Papa's phrases that the idea of drugs in Bear County was shameful and unbelievable. Clearly, the cubs know that drugs are bad, but have no idea how or why. They know only because the adults say they're bad. And of course, no one bothers to tell them until they ask.

So Dr. Grizzly tells them, just like how she told them the results of her patient's blood test. She gives them "the straight dope," which, by the way, is the name of this chapter. Drugs are dangerous to the body, they have mind-altering chemicals, they are addictive, and can damage the heart and kidneys. Sister asks the obvious question: if drugs are that dangerous, why do people take them?

When I was a kid, I never asked about drugs. I knew they were bad, and if I ever got caught trying to use them I'd get into deep shit, and that was all that was necessary to know. But even as a six-year-old going through my first experience with the D.A.R.E. people, I really did wonder that. Why do people even take drugs in the first place? I didn't ask and no one ever cared to explain. And frankly, neither do Stan and Jan.

The reason Dr. Grizzly gives Sister is peer pressure. People take drugs because other people pressure them into it. If you don't do what they do, they make you feel silly for it. Brother even chimes in on this, having faced peer pressure himself, and to be honest, what he says rings pretty true. In fact, he answers the question even better than Dr. Grizzly does.

"They try to make you feel 'uncool' if you don't do what they're doing. They tell you you're 'chicken' or that you're just scared of what your parents will say. They think they're more grown up just because they're doing something their parents told them not to."

I have to applaud Stan and Jan for laying that part of it out. Unfortunately, they still don't give the real reason why people take drugs: because getting high feels good.

When you were a kid, did anyone ever tell you that? Did anyone ever tell you that getting high feels good, and that's why people take drugs? No one ever told me that. I never learned it until I saw Denise Crosby explain it on an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Taking drugs makes you feel good, if only in an artificial way. But people are afraid of actually telling kids that. So kids get this message that drugs are bad without being able to reconcile it with the fact that so many people take drugs. It's confusing. Interestingly, Brother actually describes Skuzz as "high" earlier in the book. Does he really know what that means?

In the realm of this book, though, the cubs are satisfied and they take their leave. On the way out of the hospital, whom should they pass but Chief Bruno, on his way to talk to Skuzz. Quickly, they tell him that they have found that the Ugly Roomer is the drug kingpin, which he promptly laughs off. He doesn't even stop to talk, and goes right into the elevator before brother can show him their evidence. Freddy comments, "I guess you can't expect the chief to take a bunch of cubs seriously."

Little known fact: Detective Conan was inspired by Cousin Freddy

Dodecahedron!

The cubs still can't get over their suspicions about Ralph Ripoff, so with Snuff in tow they head to Ralph's houseboat. On the way through the woods to the river where Ralph's boat is moored, they hear footsteps approaching from ahead. Hiding behind some bushes, they see the the Ugly Roomer walking the path away from the houseboat. Now convinced Ralph is involved, they hurry ahead.

Good God, would you read this description of Ralph's houseboat?

Ralph Ripoff's houseboat was a mess. It was in a spot where the river became a lifeless muddy pool. The green scum that covered the murky water at the river's edge coated the boat near the waterline. Splintered planks showed under the peeling paint. Clouds of tiny bugs and mosquitoes swarmed around the houseboat.

Ralph, I don't think that crooked card game is working out for you. Get a real job and get a real house. You may have to start paying taxes, but at least you won't get malaria.

The cubs can hear Ralph's talking parrot, but Ralph himself isn't home. After giving Snuff a sniff of drugs, Brother sends the dog on his way through the houseboat. Snuff tracks for the scent, and winds up pawing at a cupboard. Inside, the cubs find a few dozen bags of happy pills. Freddy snaps a picture for evidence, but they have to leave immediately, as Snuff can smell Ralph coming home.

After great reluctance, especially on Sister's part, the cubs jump ship into the scummy water, swim a ways downriver, and escape. Despite being covered in muck, they head for the police station. Can you imagine a sight like that? Three kids and a dog covered in slime and clouds of mosquitoes walking into a police station with a Polaroid camera and a plastic bag full of drugs. I'm surprised Chief Bruno didn't call in SWAT.

At this point, Stan and Jan get a little clever. The cubs are excited and hyperactive. The narration says, "Being detectives in the fast lane—the super fast lane of drug dealing—was a thrill!" Talk about getting high.

Chief Bruno listens as the cubs explain that the Ugly Roomer is the kingpin and that Too-Tall and his gang are in on it. Before they can get to Ralph, however, none other than Ralph himself walks into the station with a box. He walks right up to the chief's desk and dumps the contents right onto it: bags and bags of drugs. Ralph says he discovered them in his houseboat and claims someone is trying to frame him, and demands that the police get right onto the case. The cubs don't believe him. Ralph is hurt.

Ralph's face suddenly looked deeply hurt. "Why, cubs!" he whined. "Are you accusing ME—your old buddy Ralph Ripoff, who dearly loves every little cub in Bear Country—of being a drug dealer?"

Chief Bruno, much to the cubs' surprise, comes to Ralph's aid. "I know you're telling the truth," he says. That's when Officer Marguerite and the Ugly Roomer walk in. Excitedly, the cubs cry out hat he's the kingpin and needs to be arrested, but in a Shyamalanian twist, the Ugly Roomer is actually Detective O'Brunihan, an officer from another precinct brought in to help solve the drug case. Apparently, he has. Officer Marguerite leaves and then quickly returns with Bear Country's infamous shooters and polluters, the Bogg Brothers.

Chief Bruno says, "It was bad enough that you were shooting crocodiles and bald eagles." WHAT!? They were shooting bald eagles and you still didn't arrest them, chief? This whole drug thing could have been avoided. I did actually enjoy one of the brother's response to this, "Varmints is varmints." He then spits tobacco juice on the floor. The illustration shows Snuff watch the juice splash, and I can't help but look at that drawing and think that Snuff is going to try to lick it up.

The chief cuts the cubs some slack and tells them that the pictures they took were good detective work, they just interpreted the evidence incorrectly. Too-Tall, he explains, wasn't buying drugs from the detective, but selling them. And as for the picture of the drugs on Ralph's houseboat, Chief Bruno puts the photo into a projector and blows it up (just go with it). Turns out that in the picture, in the tall weeds visible out the window above the cupboard full of drugs, you can see the Bogg Brothers trying to hide. Detective O'Brunihan saw them hide the drugs himself.

Ralph is on his way out, but doesn't leave before explaining that what he meant by extra bread was that he would pay the cubs to help clean the houseboat up. Now why didn't he just say that to begin with?

Brother finds that he is even feeling a little sorry for Too-Tall, knowing that Too-Tall's father Two-Ton is a harsh disciplinarian. He remembers when Too-Tall got caught stealing watermelons from Farmer Ben. "Too-Tall couldn't sit down for a week."

This is how stupid a kid I was. When I first read this book, I thought that meant that Too-Tall was forbidden to sit down for a whole week as punishment. I didn't realize that Too-Tall got a vicious spanking. I hope it was a vicious spanking.

Brother, taking responsibility for the Detective Bears, apologizes to Chief Bruno for messing up the case, but chief says they did an excellent job for beginners, but he also warns that drug dealing is a big-time crime not for cubs to get involved in. The cubs realize, though, that they got so caught up in being detectives they couldn't stop, just like being on drugs.

As the cubs get into Officer Marguerite's patrol car for a ride home, Sister says to Chief Bruno, "I think the only Drug Free Zone that means anything is the one in your heart and mind." The chief says she's probably right, Mayor Honeypot's drug free zone idea was idiotic and ineffectual and was just a ploy to win votes. And that's the end of the book.

It's 102 pages long, but the typeface is big and most pages have illustrations, so it's really a big chapter book relative to the Berenstain Bear picture books. I do have to admit, the writing is all right. I joked about the description of Ralph's houseboat, but that's quality scene setting. Even as an adult reading the book, I wasn't all that bored by it and nothing came off as insipid as a lot of childrens' books tend to do. Still, this is not the criterion for young advanced readers. In the realm of literature for older children, if A Wrinkle in Time is a great novel, then The Berenstain Bears and the Drug Free Zone is ten cent pulp. It's edgy (relatively), but doesn't have the intellectual substance you may probably want.

Not that I think it's all that bad. Really it isn't. I liked it enough as a kid. As an adult, some of the details irk me, but if you really want to introduce kids to the concept of drugs and just saying no, there's nothing harmful about Drug Free Zone, I just wish it didn't treat drugs so similarly to other anti-drug materials for children. I did like the way the book points out that just because a school is a drug free zone doesn't mean there won't be any drugs there. You've got to know enough about drugs to decide for yourself not to take them. Interestingly, it's the doctor that explains what drugs do and why they are bad. The police and the mayor simply declare the school a drug free zone and think nothing of educating the cubs about drugs. Best of all was Brother's explanation of peer pressure, and the way that other peoples' opinions aren't always worthwhile. If anything from this book, a kid should take that away.

A Look at the Bears

Do you remember the Berenstain Bears? They are a family of bears that live in the children's literature created by Janice and the late Stanley Berenstain. The Berenstains started writing about the Bear Family, beginning with The Big Honey Hunt, in 1962. I've found that just about everyone of my generation who read the books as children are most familiar with the First Time Books series of picture books starring the Bear family. These books were intended to be read by young elementary-school-level children.

But kids get older, and Stan and Jan Berenstain realized that. So in the 1990s, the husband and wife writing team started the Big Chapter Books series, with books aimed at older children by both length and content. The Berenstain Bears now had a second continuity, kind of like Tenchi Muyo. The titles in this series tackled issues that may not have been appropriate for younger children. Books like The Berenstain Bears and the Drug Free Zone and The Berenstain Bears in the Freaky Funhouse dealt with serious crimes and issues like drug abuse and fraudulent business activities.

This blog, which I have named A Look at the Bears will feature reviews, written by me, of the titles in this Big Chapter Books series. They are big, they have chapters, and they are collections of numerous sheets of paper with text and illustrations printed on them and bound together. Big chapter books.