The Berenstain Bears and the Drug Free Zone

DRUGS? IN BEAR COUNTRY?
Yes! And Brother and Sister Bear are sure that they can solve the mystery of who is behind Bear Country's drug problem. But this is a big-time crime—and fighting it could be risky... even dangerous!

I imagine that Stan and Jan Berenstain, back in the early Nineties, were just itching to write a Berenstain Bear book about drugs. They just had to do it. Something in their bodies was compelling them. And so they did. They knew the parents of America wouldn't like it if their five-year-old son or daughter, trying to learn how to read, picked up a Berenstain Bear book at the school library and was thus introduced to a world of "happy pills" and "kingpins," but the Berenstains couldn't help but start punching the story out on a typewriter. Sure, they thought they could stop typing whenever they wanted, but drug stories, they can get to you, man. They make you do things you don't really want to do.

But there was a solution: The Berenstains and Random House could create a new series of Berenstain Bear books aimed at older kids, who had outgrown the regular picture book series. And that, I like to think, is how The Big Chapter Books series was created. Stan and Jan had to get their drug book fix, and they got it.

The Berenstain Bears and the Drug Free Zone is the first book in the Big Chapter Books series, and was published in 1993. That actually puts it a little bit on the tail end the big "Just Say No" campaign conceived by Nancy Reagan in the Eighties. Still, drug abuse was a big concern then. I was a kid in elementary school at the time, and I recall D.A.R.E. being ubiquitous. Nevertheless, after picking this book up for the first time in years, and noticing the copyright date, I wondered if the Berenstains hadn't at least conceived of the story a number of years before 1993.

So let's get into it. In addition to the back cover blurb that I quoted at the top of this entry, the very first page has a "story sting," a few lines of narration and an illustration teased in from somewhere else in the story. The text reads:

Suddenly Freddy's dog froze. The cubs did the same. They listened. In a few seconds, they heard a faint crunching sound coming toward them. They quickly hid in the bushes and watched someone come out of the woods....

Who was it?
Could it be the drug Kingpin?
If it was, what would he do if he saw them?

The illustration shows a dog and three young bears hiding behind some bushes. That's Freddy, Sister, Brother, and Freddy's dog.

The copyright page, I noticed, has a "summary" of the story printed right there between the names of the authors and the ISBN numbers. It says, "Brother and Sister Bear try to solve the mystery of how illegal drugs are getting into their school." Not much of a summary, but accurate enough.

The book begins in a way that almost seems it was written for readers unfamiliar with the Berenstain Bears. It introduces Bear country, points out a few landmarks, and suggests that it is a place with "almost no problems." What makes it not quite perfect? Well, Ralph Ripoff, a guy you won't find in the First Time Books series, tries to cheat people with a "crooked card game," and Beartown has pretty awful traffic, and the Forbidden Bog outside of town is home to three bears named the Bogg Brothers who are known to poach endangered animals (yeesh).

By the by, the next line right after the one about the Bogg Brothers says, "But problems like those are not too serious." I'm pretty sure shooting endangered animals is pretty serious. What's more alarming is the illustration. The illustrations in these Big Chapter Books are not really the kind you'd find in the First Time Books. They are simple pen-and-ink with toner but no color, and often feature speech bubbles, so you can get a little extra dialogue out of them. This particular illustration features Bear Country police chief Bruno admonishing the Bogg Brothers for "shootin' and pollutin'," and he warns that if he hears any more about their criminal deeds, "It'll go hard with you." Now, you have to wonder, why the hell doesn't Chief Bruno ARREST them if they have been accused of shooting and polluting? Obviously there's somebody willing to testify, so why even give the rednecks a second chance?

Anyway, you can see where the intro is going. Sure, things seem fine in Bear Country, but of course they aren't. A town meeting has been called to order at Bear Country School, and as they head on their way to attend, the Bear Family speculates on what the meeting could be about. It must be something fairly benign, they decide, because except for Too-Tall Grizzly's gang, there are no real problems at Bear Country School. As you'll remember, in the early Nineties bullying had absolutely no negative repercussions.

But this is a serious meeting about a serious problem. Not only is principal Honeycomb in the auditorium, but so is Chief Bruno and even Mayor Honeypot. Chief Bruno wastes time for no one. He pulls out a bottle full of pills that the janitor of the school found in an unused locker. He asks the audience what they think the pills may be. One naive young cub suggests candy, but when one bear suggests medicine, Chief Bruno replies, "'It's some kind of BAD MEDICINE. What I'm holding here, friends, are drugs! Illegal drugs!'"

Shock and horror abound through the audience, which is the perfect time for the mayor to show up and explain just what he is going to do about it. Stan and Jan, for some reason, decide to make strongly apparent that Mayor Honeypot has a bit of a speech impediment: he gets the beginnings of his words mixed up. For instance, when he announces his plan to set up drug free zones, he calls them "drug zee frones." Also notable is that right after he announces the zones, he actually asks out loud to himself what that means, and then looks down at his notes for an answer. Social commentary, Stan and Jan?

What "drug free zone" means, according to Mayor Honeypot's notes, is that any drug crime committed within the zone will be punished twice as harshly as usual. Yes, that is all. He ends his speech by saying, "'I trust all of you will support this moo neasure—I mean, new measure—and also remember who thought of it at election time.'" The narration in the next paragraph is even better: "The whole audience applauded loudly. Then one bear after another rose to voice his support for the new Drug Free Zone. Mayor Honeypot was very pleased with himself." The illustration shows the audience applauding as Mayor Honeypot holds his fists clasped together above his head like he just won a poker tournament. You can see the Bear family in the audience. Papa is pleased, but Mama, Sister, and Brother don't look convinced that anything significant has been accomplished. Social commentary, Stan and Jan?

Probably, because rarely are the titular Drug Free Zones brought up after the first chapter, and Brother even witnesses a drug exchange take place next to one of the signs. I don't think it's much of a stretch to suggest that Stan and Jan were trying to say that the preventative measures against drug dealing in communities weren't all that effectual. There will be more of that later in the book, but for now I've got a strong urge to look at the cover again.


You can see Too-Tall and a mysterious man in a trench coat exchanging a packet of pills right next to a Drug Free Zone sign. Not only that, they are doing it right behind the back of a police officer. Way to go, Mayor Honeypot!

Come to think of it, look at Brother.


He looks high to me. Oh, Brother, I thought you were better than that.

As the Bear family returns home, With Gramps and Gran joining them in their walk, Papa Bear makes clear his disappointment. The fact that drugs even exist within Bear Country is "shameful" and "disgraceful" in his point of view. Oh, but look! A Drug Free Zone sign, and it lifts Papa's spirits! "'That'll make those rotten drug pushers think twice!'" he excliams.

Oh, Papa Bear, you naive son of a bitch.

As much as Mama Bear would love to agree with her husband, if only to protect his fragile innocence, she points out the obvious: the drug dealers will just deal outside of the zone (if they even give the zone any credence). Papa's retort is "We've got to do something, don't we?" as if doing something ineffectual is worthwhile simply because it's something.

They pass the house of a Miz McGrizz who has been trying to rent out a room for the past month. Right on cue, a bear in a trench coat and a big scar on his cheek pops out of nowhere, plucks the FOR RENT sign from the lawn, rings the doorbell, and a horrified Miz McGrizz evidently rents him the room, because the very next morning Brother and Sister see him walk out of her house as they're on their way to school. I suppose he could have murdered Miz McGrizz with the FOR RENT sign and then stayed in her house, but that would be too obvious.

Well, if it looks like a drug dealer, and it looks like a drug dealer, then it must be a drug dealer. Sister notes the "Ugly Roomer" as a "prime-time suspect," because he looks like a crook on a TV show. "Oh, brother," Brother says in response. Sister complains about his use of the phrase "Oh, brother," and asks why he never says, "Oh, sister."

Oh, sister. I think this would have been the perfect time for Brother to throw out a curse word or two, but I guess Stan and Jan were saving that for the Big Big Chapter Books series.

Brother and Sister arrive at the house of their Cousin Freddy, to walk with him to school. "As usual, Freddy's floppy-eared dog, Snuff, ran up to give them a wet-tongued hello." Hold the phone, there. Is Freddy's dog named Snuff? Let me read that again. Yes, Freddy's dog is named Snuff. In a story about drugs, Cousin Freddy's dog is named Snuff. Does that make anyone else laugh?

Freddy's dog was probably named in a previous book in one of the other Berenstain Bear continuities, but it's still pretty damned funny.

Freddy also has an instant camera (Polaroid camera) with him because it's photography club day or something at school. My elementary school never had anything like that. We would have Bike Day one day a year, and that was it.

The three cubs discuss the Ugly Roomer at Miz McGrizz's, but even as Brother doesn't want to accuse him of anything without evidence, he is the first to suggest that Too-Tall and his gang are somehow involved. Sister and Freddy are excited to investigate; they can't wait to start up the old Bear Detectives club, but Brother warns that they shouldn't get too excited, because, after all, "This could be DANGEROUS."

Of course, that's dangerous in the Berenstain-Bears-books-for-children sense of the word.

On the way to school, the cubs pass by Chief Bruno giving Ralph Ripoff and his card table the heave-ho away from the entrance of the pharmacy. Really, Ralph? The entrance of the pharmacy? That's the best place to find suckers? Have you tried the bank, or the used car dealership? How about the maternity ward? They say a sucker is born every minute.

"It's getting so a fella can't make an honest dishonest living anymore!" Ralph protests as he packs up his table, like a character out of a black and white movie from the Forties. But then, he notices the cubs, and his mood lightens. He loves cubs. He even invites them to his houseboat where they will have the opportunity to make some extra bread (sister obviously thinks he means actual bread). He doesn't elaborate on what exactly the cubs can do to make that extra bread, he just says, "I'll put you onto something, shall we say... interesting?"

Doesn't he just sound like a drug dealer? No? You say he sounds like a red herring?

The cubs continue walking, and Freddy is the first to fall victim to the cliche. He suggests Ralph could be a drug dealer, and Sister agrees. "He loves to trick everyone," she says, and that comes in mighty handy when selling drugs. But Brother defends Ralph, and points out that while Ralph is always cheating grown-ups, "He'd never do anything to hurt cubs. I think he sort of likes us." Brother may be right, but that's a story for another book.

This is when Freddy says the most out-of-left-field thing he's ever said. "He's got more angles than a dodecahedron." Well, gee, Freddy, if you put it that way, I guess Ralph should be a prime-time suspect.

But they have no time to tease Freddy for his despicable nerdiness, because Skuzz, one of Too-Tall's gang, whizzes past them on a bicycle and crashes right into Officer Marguerite's patrol car. As the cubs, Officer Marguerite, and the school nurse investigate, they notice that the bike Skuzz has been riding is Queenie McBear's bike. He stole her bike, and not only that, he's so high he doesn't even know where he is. "Wanna see me do a super triple wheelie?" he asks.

As an ambulance takes Skuzz away, Brother finds a clear plastic bag full of pills where Skuzz wrecked the bike. He picks it up and intends to give it to Officer Marguerite, but her car is already pulling away. So what does he do? He just puts the bag in his pocket and thinks, "These might come in handy."


During recess that day, the cubs see Too-Tall and his gang hanging out and being gang members by the gate to the football field. The narration takes a couple of paragraphs to explain the nature of the Too-Tall gang.

They put graffiti on the school walls. They rang doorbells and ran. Sometimes they knocked over garbage cans at night. Most of the gang would have been happy to just stick with those kinds of pranks. But Too-Tall wouldn't let them stop at that.

Sometimes, when no grownups were watching, the gang would force a cub to hand over his or her lunch money. Any cub that refused could count on getting knocked down at least. Bullying cubs and stealing money was Too-Tall's idea of a good time.

I remember being a kid and reading books and seeing TV shows where school bullies took lunch money. I don't recall ever having someone threaten to take my lunch money. I wondered if it was because the school I went to had a remarkably high percentage of well-behaved kids. Then I remember no, it didn't, it's just that stealing lunch money wasn't the kind of misbehavior kids there took part in.

And knock over garbage cans at night? What the hell kind of a prank is that? What's so great about doing something that raccoons do?

Anyway, Brother surmises that if Skuzz is on drugs, so are the rest of the gang. That's when Too-Tall slips past the gate and heads for the football field, leaving his gang to be high all by themselves. Brother knows something's up. He asks Freddy and Sister to distract Too-Tall's gang, which, if memory serves, with Skuzz gone would leave only two cubs, Smirk and Vinnie, while he takes Freddy's Polaroid to the football field after Too-Tall. While Freddy and Sister commence their part of the plan, Brother slips by the gate to the football field. Who does he see under the bleachers? Too-Tall and the Ugly Roomer!

Brother snaps a photo, sneaks away, and waits a minute for the picture to develop. Pretty soon, there it is, photographic evidence of a drug deal between Too-Tall and the Ugly Roomer.

Brother can't wait to bust Too-Tall's ass. He returns to the gate, where Too-Tall has already rejoined his gang, and tells the big guy up front that he's interested in trying "happy pills." (Doesn't he already have some)? Too-Tall claims to have none, and even turns his pockets inside out as proof. Some money falls out, but no drugs. Brother is stunned.

Now wait a second here. Brother saw a drug deal between Too-Tall and the Ugly Roomer. He saw a selling of drugs. Yet Too-Tall has on his person money but no drugs. Gee, I wonder what that could mean?

As the three cubs examine the photo after school, they can make out money in the Ugly Roomer's hand. "The money Too-Tall just gave him for drugs!" proclaims Freddy. God damn it, Fred.

The cubs decide to go to the hospital to visit Skuzz, and see if they can get anything out of him. Skuzz won't talk, though. He won't even admit to having taken any drugs, even when Brother shows him the photo. The cubs could try water-boarding him, of course, but they figure it's easier to just ask Skuzz's doctor, Dr. Gert Grizzly, if he took the happy pills. Dr. Grizzly is remarkably up front with the cubs, and tells them that Skuzz "had taken plenty of drugs when he crashed into that car."

That's apparently all they needed, because Brother and Freddy are ready to go to the police with their evidence. But Sister has some questions. She basically asks Dr. Grizzly what drugs actually are and why they are so bad in the first place, and even though Brother and Freddy admonish her for asking dumb questions, the narration reveals they wonder the same thing.

So the whole time, the cubs were trying to stop the selling of illegal drugs without understanding what makes them so bad. No one had the common decency to tell the cubs why illegal drugs are illegal.

I should mention that earlier in the book, Sister was repeating Papa's phrases that the idea of drugs in Bear County was shameful and unbelievable. Clearly, the cubs know that drugs are bad, but have no idea how or why. They know only because the adults say they're bad. And of course, no one bothers to tell them until they ask.

So Dr. Grizzly tells them, just like how she told them the results of her patient's blood test. She gives them "the straight dope," which, by the way, is the name of this chapter. Drugs are dangerous to the body, they have mind-altering chemicals, they are addictive, and can damage the heart and kidneys. Sister asks the obvious question: if drugs are that dangerous, why do people take them?

When I was a kid, I never asked about drugs. I knew they were bad, and if I ever got caught trying to use them I'd get into deep shit, and that was all that was necessary to know. But even as a six-year-old going through my first experience with the D.A.R.E. people, I really did wonder that. Why do people even take drugs in the first place? I didn't ask and no one ever cared to explain. And frankly, neither do Stan and Jan.

The reason Dr. Grizzly gives Sister is peer pressure. People take drugs because other people pressure them into it. If you don't do what they do, they make you feel silly for it. Brother even chimes in on this, having faced peer pressure himself, and to be honest, what he says rings pretty true. In fact, he answers the question even better than Dr. Grizzly does.

"They try to make you feel 'uncool' if you don't do what they're doing. They tell you you're 'chicken' or that you're just scared of what your parents will say. They think they're more grown up just because they're doing something their parents told them not to."

I have to applaud Stan and Jan for laying that part of it out. Unfortunately, they still don't give the real reason why people take drugs: because getting high feels good.

When you were a kid, did anyone ever tell you that? Did anyone ever tell you that getting high feels good, and that's why people take drugs? No one ever told me that. I never learned it until I saw Denise Crosby explain it on an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Taking drugs makes you feel good, if only in an artificial way. But people are afraid of actually telling kids that. So kids get this message that drugs are bad without being able to reconcile it with the fact that so many people take drugs. It's confusing. Interestingly, Brother actually describes Skuzz as "high" earlier in the book. Does he really know what that means?

In the realm of this book, though, the cubs are satisfied and they take their leave. On the way out of the hospital, whom should they pass but Chief Bruno, on his way to talk to Skuzz. Quickly, they tell him that they have found that the Ugly Roomer is the drug kingpin, which he promptly laughs off. He doesn't even stop to talk, and goes right into the elevator before brother can show him their evidence. Freddy comments, "I guess you can't expect the chief to take a bunch of cubs seriously."

Little known fact: Detective Conan was inspired by Cousin Freddy

Dodecahedron!

The cubs still can't get over their suspicions about Ralph Ripoff, so with Snuff in tow they head to Ralph's houseboat. On the way through the woods to the river where Ralph's boat is moored, they hear footsteps approaching from ahead. Hiding behind some bushes, they see the the Ugly Roomer walking the path away from the houseboat. Now convinced Ralph is involved, they hurry ahead.

Good God, would you read this description of Ralph's houseboat?

Ralph Ripoff's houseboat was a mess. It was in a spot where the river became a lifeless muddy pool. The green scum that covered the murky water at the river's edge coated the boat near the waterline. Splintered planks showed under the peeling paint. Clouds of tiny bugs and mosquitoes swarmed around the houseboat.

Ralph, I don't think that crooked card game is working out for you. Get a real job and get a real house. You may have to start paying taxes, but at least you won't get malaria.

The cubs can hear Ralph's talking parrot, but Ralph himself isn't home. After giving Snuff a sniff of drugs, Brother sends the dog on his way through the houseboat. Snuff tracks for the scent, and winds up pawing at a cupboard. Inside, the cubs find a few dozen bags of happy pills. Freddy snaps a picture for evidence, but they have to leave immediately, as Snuff can smell Ralph coming home.

After great reluctance, especially on Sister's part, the cubs jump ship into the scummy water, swim a ways downriver, and escape. Despite being covered in muck, they head for the police station. Can you imagine a sight like that? Three kids and a dog covered in slime and clouds of mosquitoes walking into a police station with a Polaroid camera and a plastic bag full of drugs. I'm surprised Chief Bruno didn't call in SWAT.

At this point, Stan and Jan get a little clever. The cubs are excited and hyperactive. The narration says, "Being detectives in the fast lane—the super fast lane of drug dealing—was a thrill!" Talk about getting high.

Chief Bruno listens as the cubs explain that the Ugly Roomer is the kingpin and that Too-Tall and his gang are in on it. Before they can get to Ralph, however, none other than Ralph himself walks into the station with a box. He walks right up to the chief's desk and dumps the contents right onto it: bags and bags of drugs. Ralph says he discovered them in his houseboat and claims someone is trying to frame him, and demands that the police get right onto the case. The cubs don't believe him. Ralph is hurt.

Ralph's face suddenly looked deeply hurt. "Why, cubs!" he whined. "Are you accusing ME—your old buddy Ralph Ripoff, who dearly loves every little cub in Bear Country—of being a drug dealer?"

Chief Bruno, much to the cubs' surprise, comes to Ralph's aid. "I know you're telling the truth," he says. That's when Officer Marguerite and the Ugly Roomer walk in. Excitedly, the cubs cry out hat he's the kingpin and needs to be arrested, but in a Shyamalanian twist, the Ugly Roomer is actually Detective O'Brunihan, an officer from another precinct brought in to help solve the drug case. Apparently, he has. Officer Marguerite leaves and then quickly returns with Bear Country's infamous shooters and polluters, the Bogg Brothers.

Chief Bruno says, "It was bad enough that you were shooting crocodiles and bald eagles." WHAT!? They were shooting bald eagles and you still didn't arrest them, chief? This whole drug thing could have been avoided. I did actually enjoy one of the brother's response to this, "Varmints is varmints." He then spits tobacco juice on the floor. The illustration shows Snuff watch the juice splash, and I can't help but look at that drawing and think that Snuff is going to try to lick it up.

The chief cuts the cubs some slack and tells them that the pictures they took were good detective work, they just interpreted the evidence incorrectly. Too-Tall, he explains, wasn't buying drugs from the detective, but selling them. And as for the picture of the drugs on Ralph's houseboat, Chief Bruno puts the photo into a projector and blows it up (just go with it). Turns out that in the picture, in the tall weeds visible out the window above the cupboard full of drugs, you can see the Bogg Brothers trying to hide. Detective O'Brunihan saw them hide the drugs himself.

Ralph is on his way out, but doesn't leave before explaining that what he meant by extra bread was that he would pay the cubs to help clean the houseboat up. Now why didn't he just say that to begin with?

Brother finds that he is even feeling a little sorry for Too-Tall, knowing that Too-Tall's father Two-Ton is a harsh disciplinarian. He remembers when Too-Tall got caught stealing watermelons from Farmer Ben. "Too-Tall couldn't sit down for a week."

This is how stupid a kid I was. When I first read this book, I thought that meant that Too-Tall was forbidden to sit down for a whole week as punishment. I didn't realize that Too-Tall got a vicious spanking. I hope it was a vicious spanking.

Brother, taking responsibility for the Detective Bears, apologizes to Chief Bruno for messing up the case, but chief says they did an excellent job for beginners, but he also warns that drug dealing is a big-time crime not for cubs to get involved in. The cubs realize, though, that they got so caught up in being detectives they couldn't stop, just like being on drugs.

As the cubs get into Officer Marguerite's patrol car for a ride home, Sister says to Chief Bruno, "I think the only Drug Free Zone that means anything is the one in your heart and mind." The chief says she's probably right, Mayor Honeypot's drug free zone idea was idiotic and ineffectual and was just a ploy to win votes. And that's the end of the book.

It's 102 pages long, but the typeface is big and most pages have illustrations, so it's really a big chapter book relative to the Berenstain Bear picture books. I do have to admit, the writing is all right. I joked about the description of Ralph's houseboat, but that's quality scene setting. Even as an adult reading the book, I wasn't all that bored by it and nothing came off as insipid as a lot of childrens' books tend to do. Still, this is not the criterion for young advanced readers. In the realm of literature for older children, if A Wrinkle in Time is a great novel, then The Berenstain Bears and the Drug Free Zone is ten cent pulp. It's edgy (relatively), but doesn't have the intellectual substance you may probably want.

Not that I think it's all that bad. Really it isn't. I liked it enough as a kid. As an adult, some of the details irk me, but if you really want to introduce kids to the concept of drugs and just saying no, there's nothing harmful about Drug Free Zone, I just wish it didn't treat drugs so similarly to other anti-drug materials for children. I did like the way the book points out that just because a school is a drug free zone doesn't mean there won't be any drugs there. You've got to know enough about drugs to decide for yourself not to take them. Interestingly, it's the doctor that explains what drugs do and why they are bad. The police and the mayor simply declare the school a drug free zone and think nothing of educating the cubs about drugs. Best of all was Brother's explanation of peer pressure, and the way that other peoples' opinions aren't always worthwhile. If anything from this book, a kid should take that away.